I'm not really Christmas Spirited I just got sick of waiting for the damn mood icons to load.

...Ahh where to begin?

Since my last journal entry I must say my life has taken a rather unwanted turn. Having just completed my junior year at college I'm trying desperately to pick of the pieces of my life, by which I mean all my self esteem, happiness and desire to keep from banging my head on the wall until I leave a lovely red stain and a fat crumpled heap on the floor. Such things were unwillingly beaten out of me in the past year by a combination of bad classes bad grades, rejection from the only job I ever wanted and a particularly evil roommate who's sole purpose in life, it seemed, was to make mine miserable.

Now I have slumped into a state of crippling self-loathing and depression that has, at times, made me wonder if making the trip from the couch to the knife drawer was really worth the walk, seeing as I've realized that I have no future since I'm suddenly hating everything about what I'm doing and I no longer wish to peruse the carrier path that I was once so certain was my destiny. The cherry on top of this delicious sundae of torment is my lack of support by my parents who still expect me to tell their dinner guests what an amazing life I'm creating for myself and call me rude when I sit quietly in the other room trying to avoid murdering everyone. In fact, the only thing keeping my mother off my back about getting a job in retail this summer (Which I remind you, to me, after working at the EMC last summer would be akin to shoving forks in my eyes) is the stoned old man from California that has been paying me 100 bucks a piece through paypal to draw characters for him. Something I'm starting to not even be able to bring myself to do.

Honestly Is there anything better than listening to your mother tell your little sister "You don't want to grow up like your big sister do you?" While I am purposefully in earshot.

At the moment I am in the midst of switching my anti-depressant medication since my old one clearly stopped working ever since my last semester started. ...And I am seeing a therapist as well to try to keep me from stealing my parents car and driving to Cape Cod to throw myself in the ocean. I've also started going to a Gym and yet no matter how much I push myself to the point in which I am drenched with sweat while I'm there I seem to look fatter than ever when I look in the mirror on my way out of the locker room. At times I feel compelled to drown my sorrows in booze but seeing as I'm quickly running out of money and the only thing alcohol seems to do to me is make me sleepy I've decided that is not the smartest course of action.

I guess my point I'm trying to get to in this whiny and stupid rant is not to expect to see any art soon.

ciao~